“You like to date assholes.”

“You like bad boys.”

“You like the chase.”

Okay. I get it, and yes - it’s sorta true. I decided that my next date would be with a nice boy and that I wouldn’t judge him purely on his profile photos. 

With that said, I came upon an eHarm message from a nice boy who looked blah in most of his pictures…but wait! One cute black and white photo of him - head down, gazing at his computer screen - with a 5 o’clock shadow and full head of hair. That was good enough for me to respond to him. 

After communicating via email and some IM chats, I realized we didn’t really have too much in common besides the fact that we were career driven and born and raised in the Midwest. Despite that red flag, I decided to ask him if he was game to grab dinner in Palo Alto anyway. His response: “No, let’s get coffee because dinner might be too long, and if it doesn’t work out it will be a long awkward meal.” That, and he didn’t want to miss his company shuttle back to San Francisco on account of grabbing coffee with little old me. FORREALS?! I said fine - we’d get coffee and hang out for a bit. Little did he know, I decided to set up dinner plans for myself so I could bail even sooner. Sucker.

This relationship was over before it began. 

Parking was a real pain that evening, but I still showed up on time at 7:30PM. He was struggling to find parking so I waited for him outside of the coffee shop. When he finally rolled up, DEFCON 1 alarms began to sound in my head. Why, you ask? Here’s how my inner monologue went: Relaxed fit, light-washed denim. Deduct 10 points. Ill-fitting pale pink/ or maybe just faded pink button up shirt. Deduct 10 points. And what the fuck is wrong with his hair?! Why does his hair look like he has a really, really bad toupee glued on, and why oh WHY does it look like a BRILLO PAD!? Yes, brillo pad. That coarse-ass scouring pad that chills on your sink used in desperate times when you burn food in a pan and have to scrub the shit out of it. Yes, I’m quite certain that the famed dishwashing implement was glued. To. His. Head. Holy distraction, Batman. Deduct 10 million points.

I told myself, this is just all physical appearance; he seems really sweet. Learn to love, Girl. You can take him shopping and turn him into your Ken doll – easy fix. But man, after previously dating two guys who have impeccable taste, it’s hard to disregard fashion sense as one of my guy requirements. Well anyway, back to the date: I told Brillo Pad that I had dinner plans at 8:30pm, and because he ran late, we only had 45 minutes to do this little meet n’ greet. I was genuinely sorry about that. He seemed a little surprised at my frankness but he didn’t want dinner and I needed to eat. Too bad so sad.

During the short date, we were able to keep the conversation going. Wanna know how? ‘Cause I put my motherfucking recruiter hat on. I grilled him on what it was like to work at his company, how Engineering and Product Marketing melded there, and about how he ended up in California. Overall, he definitely seemed like a sweet guy but I didn’t get any heart flutters and butterflies. Between watching him burn his tongue on his latte and his weird hair I was pretty much over it. I wrapped this date up and rolled on outta there. 

As for dinner, guess who I met up with?

Spinner! Mmmm-hmm, that’s right. 

In the end, Brillo Pad consequently tried several times to set up a second date with me, and I brushed him off every time. I’m usually pretty good at saying no in other aspects of my life, but for some reason I’m terrible at telling guys that I’m not interested. I choose to take the “silence speaks a thousand words” route. 

I need to grow some balls.

First things first: We’re going to rewind to my first eHarm date and work towards the present. Spinner was my very first date. 

Urban dictionary states that a spinner is: “A petite woman. Denoted as a joke, whereby the petite woman is so thin she is able to be mounted and spun in a circle…” and I will stop at that. 

Allow me to explain.

One lovely evening a couple of my friends and I decided to work towards inebriation. I was depressed as I had just gotten laid off and they were totally game for a pity party. After reaching the peak of drunken stupor - which is pretty freaking easy for me - I decided to confess to my friends that I was online dating. I had them review my profile to see if it read “me” and not a projection of the perfect self. At this time I had been on eHarm for about 2 weeks and started getting some traction with the boys. The site requires you to go through 4 freakishly stupid steps to finally openly email Mr. Potential Suitor. What are the 4 steps you ask? 1) Three closed ended questions. 2) Ten- must have qualities and Ten- deal breaker qualities 3) Three open ended questions (you can select from a list they have, or create your own questions. 4) Email through website.

After following the rules I was able to email Spinner and give him my IM screen name so we could chatter ever so freely. While online showcasing my profile, my iChat auto logged me on and BAM, I get a ping from Spinner. holler. 

Spinner and I enjoy some friendly banter but somehow it managed to spiral into inappropriate conversation. It’s probably my fault, I don’t recall. To make a long story short, this conversation went from “what’s your favorite restaurant?” to “spinner..” and “do you scream like the girls in those Japanese pornos?” REALLY?! He even sent me a link to give me an example because I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. Was I horrified? Yes. Was I dying from laughter? FUCK YEAH. Someone who has the audacity to pull this stuff on a first conversation has balls. My friends, who watched this whole scene unfold, decided it was their cue to leave and I decided it was probably time to end this conversation. I called it a night and wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into. 

Over the next couple weeks I did continue to chat with him, and once I landed a job he suggested we go out and celebrate and I was game. We met up at a restaurant in Palo Alto. He was super casual in shorts, a polo, and adorable nerd glasses. He was an overall gentleman.  Spinner didn’t let me pay for one thing and our conversation was completely PG. Needless to say, as bizarre as the initial online chat with him was, I give myself credit for giving him the chance to redeem himself in person. We actually went on a second date (it was just din din) and I still chat with him from time-to-time. I’ve become more of his psychiatrist/confidant as he has told me about his ex girlfriend issues and we’ve discussed work/career stuff. I even edited his resume for him. 

I am awesome. 

In closing as Flo Rida would say: “you spin my head right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down down.”

After being asked by numerous people over the last year to blog about my dating forays, I’ve finally broken down and agreed to it. I’ve resisted for a while because the last time I attempted to blog I took down a couple friendships and have since learned it’s better to tell stories than write stories… too much proof! Apparently I haven’t learned my lesson. oh well.

Let’s start with my brief relationship history. Most of you already know my back story but for you randos - well here goes: 

I was in a quasi-relationship for over 5 years (don’t ask). I tried in vain to get him to love me and to fully commit but it just wasn’t happening. Like a coma with no hope, I knew I needed to have the tubes removed, and so I killed us. To this day I love him with all my heart and still care for him, but I am over him. You must know that I am realllllllly good at letting things GO. I am the champion of moving on. Not only should I get a gold medal for it I should host a seminar and teach ladies how to “get the fuck over that guy.” You get the picture.

Immediately after breaking up with him I met another guy and started dating him pretty quickly. He is all kinds of amazing: driven, funny, sexy, attentive, and yummy. Well, It ended as quickly as it started but never really died completely. Regardless - he still lingers in the back of my mind like an amazing [insert your favorite dessert here]. So freakishly bad, but maybe just one more bite? Another nibble? Another lick? After this fizzle I was bored at work one day and dared my coworker to create an eHarmony account with me. Why the dare? Cause online dating is EMBARRASSING. No one wants to admit that they are looking for love online. People give that awkward chuckle when they get caught. Whatever the case, I followed through with it and she didn’t. And this is where the fun begins!

Allow me to preface that there will be NO names involved, I will name each suitor by a nickname. Locations may be tweaked, or various personal info will be ever so slightly altered. Not trying to slander anyone! The goal is for a good eyeball roll from you or a laugh so hard you snort your morning cup-o-whatever outta your nose. 

What? You say there goes my reputation? Well… 

Thanks someecards!